Back in 2011, after I’d finished my last day working for a member of the Illinois House of Reptilians, I started to joke about my time in politics, saying I’d never been convicted and I’d never even been indicted, I was an honest Monster in a profession fraught with temptation and peril.
For the record, that’s still true. No convictions, no indictments, and only interviewed by the FBI once. Not bad for thirteen years in the hot seat…
Politics is no place for an honest man, it’s both a joke and absolutely true in my experience. I flat out told my boss once, “Well Mr. Reptile, you know I love you, and I’d walk thru hell in a gasoline suit for you,” I began. BTW – Politicians are cold blooded creatures, hence the Reptile moniker.
This was one of the keys to dealing with a Reptilian Member of the House of Reptiles. (Member is code for “A real dick”, or, for a “Member of the House of Reptiles – you can take your pick. They really were called Members! (giggles)) I’ve never met a politician that wasn’t a classic narcissist, and trust me, I had time to study them up close. I worked for politicians and political causes for close to 25 years. Anyway I digress…
Flattery will get you everywhere…
“Like I said, I’d take a bullet for you,” I said to the Reptilian Representative, “But I don’t want to spend part of my life in a cell with you. OK?”
At this point Mr. Member would agree with me/you/anybody and assure me/you/interns/etc. that he had no intention of spending time inside a jail cell either. This of course is a narcissist lying to you. His only real interest in you is what he might be able to get out of you today, tomorrow, and for the rest of your life. Cold-blooded creatures is a perfect description of the species.
Politicians are ALL dirty no good dirty rotten scoundrels. I’ve met hundreds, and one (maybe) was different, and he’s dead. Rest In Peace United States Senator Wellstone, I very much enjoyed your company when we met and while I drove for you. One of my life’s greatest disappointments is that I never visited you in Washington, D.C., as you had invited!
It’s a reminder to me everyday that our time on this planet is finite…
Painting a Wide Swath With That Brush
My Mom, Mrs. Monster, used to have a saying when I made a sweeping generalization, she’d laugh at me and say, “Monster.” (Yes when she spoke there was a period after Monster. Always!) “Monster. I think you are exaggerating… Aren’t you painting a wide swath with that brush of yours?”
The thing about politics and working for a Member of the House of Reptilians is that I wasn’t exaggerating. Not at all. Why would I advertise all the dirty, rotten, foul things I was asked to do? Do you think I wanted to go to jail with a fanged reptile? I did confide in her, a lot, but she’s gone now, along with all the stories I’ve told her.
Wife number two worked for the Reptile too. It was a less than ideal situation in the long run, but we made it look good for a long time. Like to know one of the selling points I used with Representative Reptile to get my wife hired? Simply that you can’t be compelled to testify against your spouse, it’s a legal concept called spousal privilege. That cut the circle of risk in half as far as he was concerned, and I didn’t disagree.
What he didn’t think about, was that I’d have more leverage to avoid doing illegal things if my wife and I worked as a team. And, I was relatively inventive at finding ways to either avoid doing illegal things at the office, or avoid them entirely. For the most part, that means I took a lot of work home, what I couldn’t legally do at the office got moved to home.
I wish I were a Quaker – Speaking Truth to Reptiles
Essentially when discussing things that could not be done in Mr. Reptile’s State Reptilian Office, we’re talking about campaign work. The House of Reptilians foots the bill for his official State Reptilian office, but all things related to campaign work needs to be done in a separate location that is paid for by Mr. Reptile’s campaign fund.
That means the campaign money comes out of an account that Representative Reptile actually had to work to get. This isn’t exactly Rep. Reptile’s money, but for the most part it can be used that way in Illinois. So, essentially there were two pots of money, one for the state office and one for for campaign purposes any damn thing the reptile wanted.
BTW – The state did refresh some of the campaign finance rules after “discovering” that the reptiles were taking their campaign warchest into retirement. We’re not talking chump change either. My memory says I saw folks retiring with a $250,000 or more in their campaign warchest, money they used as they saw fit long after they had left office.
My job devolved into a battle to do nothing illegal at the office by taking it home, while Rep. Reptile gave me more and more to do. I did it for a time, even gladly at first. I thought Rep. Reptile was warm blooded, that he cared, that he maybe wasn’t a total narcissist, and a complete ass like every other politician I’ve met. Every time I felt like I might just be working for a good man, he’d bring that illusion crashing down. Every. Damn. Time.
The Walls Come Tumblin’ Down
One day, after returning from some narcissistic exercise with the media, wife #2 quietly said, “Monster, you won’t believe what I found.”
The only problem was I did believe it. Wife #2 have found some torn up scraps of a note from a legal pad, it was the only thing in Representative Reptile’s trash, so when she went to empty the trash she was intrigued. On her lunch hour she pieced the note back together. When I read it my stomach lurched.
I wanted to throw up, I wanted to run. I wanted to break something. I wanted to do bad things to my boss. I screamed the word “fuck” in rage, loud enough that the other tenants that shared the building came in to sush me. It was by no means discrete, or should I say I was in no way discrete?
I wanted to ruin him, and with the pieced together note, I could have. I took the note and squirreled it away someplace safe. While there was nothing illegal in the note beyond the fantasy of assaulting a pregnant woman to cause a miscarriage, other parts were quite even more disturbing. The climax of the note (see how I used sexually charged wording) was the vision of a “Hanging Judge” with nothing under her robes, being orally serviced while handing down a death sentence.
I could not make this up if I tried…
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I knew there was evil in this world, but I didn’t expect to encounter it in my boss. Fuck, this was seriously mental, crazy, sexual, arrrgh.
I didn’t want to think about it then, and I don’t particularly want to think about it today. What the fuck is the protocol for finding out your boss was probably psychotic, likely a sexual predator, and one tiny step short of being and doing so many wicked, evil, disgusting things.
BTW – When I say “fuck” that’s exactly what I mean, whether it’s – oh fuck, arrrgh fuck, ewww fuck, and fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I may have said all of those fucking things when I finished reading that note. I may have said some more, like “holy-fuckin cheese balls Batman”, but I’m sure wife #2 would tell the story somewhat differently. I don’t know, perhaps she thought “holy-fuckin cheese balls Batman” too.
I mean who can really recall anything tangible in the odd circumstance that anyone be subpoenaed?!? Right?!?
But, I had to deal with it…
A Real Kick in the Teeth – House of Reptiles version
You have to know I could never in a lifetime been prepared to read such a note. It was a real undeniable slap in the face to any decent and upstanding citizen, to anyone who might have believed this man was anything different than your usual, run of the mill, scumbag. He deserved a real kick in the teeth.
I wish I could say I gave him what he deserved. I’d like to say that I went to the media, or ran for office against him with that pieced together note in my hand. My wife made sure to assemble the note with witnesses, I had him dead to rights that the note was his. His trash can, his legal pad, his handwriting, the imprint from that scribbling still on his legal pad, it could have been compelling.
I even had a fantasy of replacing him, Representative Monster has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
I did not do anything dramatic. I continued to collect paychecks, and I continued to serve the people of the district. But, I never believed in the man again, I could never again in with a good conscience help him achieve any office beyond where he already was.
I’m not perfect. I have regrets. In another life I might have made other choices, better choices. I just know I faithfully served the people of his district. I helped the seniors and disabled, I helped veterans, I helped anyone who called the office having a legitimate beef with the state. I think I did the best I could for the people of his district, I tried to serve their interests, even if I might not be perfectly serving Reptile Representative.
House of Reptiles – da shit hitting the fan
Shit really hit the fan a few years after I left public service. Not so much for my boss, but for the Reptilian Speaker and his minions. Sometimes knowing that I was associated at all with the indicted but not convicted Reptilian Speaker and his indicted (and sometimes convicted) reptilian staff makes me queasy. I only spent a short while on their campaign payroll, a couple of months, barely worth mentioning, but it was too much.
Last I knew, I still have an old acquaintance that kept a file of every illegal thing he was asked to do while working for a House Reptilian member, and I’m quite sure he’s not the only one. I disposed of everything after Rep. Reptile left the state, looking for somewhere, anywhere to get elected again. Like I said, politics in Illinois is a dirty business, and this episode was probably the worst…
I still feel guilt and remorse for empowering a Reptilian Monster. I thought “my” Reptilian was something special, then he fell, and he fell hard. I tell myself I did what I had to do for myself and my family. I tried my best to give honest service for his constituents, (and a couple of other Reptiles areas too – but that’s another story for another time.) I stepped in and helped in places where our help was needed, I did what I could…
A big weight…
Somedays it all seems like a massive millstone – am I evil for letting an evil man persist because I wanted to use the power of his office to help others? Should I have looked evil in the eye and said “fuck you” after I’d already tethered my whole damned family to the Reptile? What should I have done? I’ve helped a lot of souls, but if we are judged by our sins… are we also judged for our successes?
Not to disrespect another soul, when I look back, the whole political thing was even worse than the time my worms ran away.
I mean one’s a story of spineless creatures squirming in the dirt, and the other’s about earthworms.
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