TRIGGER WARNING – bang! (I always wanted to say that…) I was an only child, and a lonely child, no sense denying it. I was likely also an Aspergers child, undiagnosed.
It’s safe to say that Monsters have difficulty making friends, that seems as self-evident to me as the day is long. Obviously, I’m not an impartial observer, and to make things even stranger, this is all an internal dialogue. What can you do? I’ve never really talked about this. I feel deficient discussing topics like this. Then, circling the drain, I know in my heart it’s all my own fault, there’s no one else to blame. That’s how it feels… But life isn’t always so simple.
I’ve gone from little monster to big monster, and through it all I usually have had something like one or two close friends at a time. And, I cannot stress this enough, it’s not the fault of anybody but myself that I am the way I am. I don’t want anyone out there to think I’m pointing fingers, because I’m not, this is a Monster problem. It’s been going on since my youth, and it continues to this day.
So, I’ve never had a large circle of friends. I’m not sure I’m even capable of having a big circle, it’s just not in me. I think some of it is inherent in me as a Monster, it is just who I am, and to top it all off I think I’m a bit autistic too. Everything makes more sense if you look at my life through the Aspergers lens.
Asperger’s Symptons (adult)
So, let’s take a look at a list of Asperger’s symptoms in adults…
- Underdeveloped Social Skills – They are sometimes unable to form friendships, especially with their peers, and may find it difficult to act in a socially appropriate manner. Many instead befriend people who are younger or older. People with Asperger’s find it especially challenging to have conversations with people they don’t know. – I had always assumed my absolute and total inability to make friends and participate in “small talk” was from being an only child. I think having a 50 year old girlfriend when I was 25 is also pretty telling.
- Difficulty with Nonverbal Behavior – Individuals with Asperger’s syndrome are often slower to grow comfortable with non-verbal behaviors such as eye contact, hand gestures, and facial expressions. It can be difficult for other people to understand how to speak with them, as conversations can lack clarity and they may be disinterested in explaining themselves. My Mother was a super stickler for eye contact, and I got tired of getting whacked with a wooden yardstick, so I learned the hard way how to overcome my eye contact issues. I was better at all of these things in mid-life through conscious effort and practice, but it’s draining and I’m regressing.
- Trouble Expressing Emotions – People with Asperger’s syndrome often fail to present their emotions in a way others understand. They can come across as insensitive and uncaring to the needs and troubles of others. Often, this is because they find it hard to give socially appropriate responses when interacting with others. An unemotional style of speech may fail to convey their true feelings. I think people have often thought I was aloof, when I was actually sitting quietly simply because I don’t know what else to do. My Mother and my many wives (Scorecards… Get your scorecards… Only $1 each… Scorecards…Get your scorecards…) have accused me of being insensitive and uncaring. Really? (maybe they just need a scorecard?) Some people have told me I’m a good listener, but I think they misunderstand my silence.
- Lack of Coordination – Another common sign of Asperger’s is an apparent lack of coordination in movement. Many people with Asperger’s walk with a stilted gait or are awkward and clumsy. They may trip, fall, and drop things frequently, actions often mistaken for ordinary carelessness or inefficiency. I can’t skip. Mom sent me to gymnastics class for a while to try and help my coordination, but I never could get skipping right. My Dad, who volunteered to coach football, wrestling, and track when we lived near Fort Dodge, Iowa, was naturally athletic. I spent hours upon hours just trying to learn to run correctly under his not so tender tutelage.
- Fixation on Rituals and Routines – Individuals with Asperger’s syndrome often have a preoccupation with rituals, routines and set patterns of living. They often wake up, eat, indulge in various activities, and sleep according to a fixed schedule, and these individual actions may be even more minutely organized, such as always eating the same thing first. They may get agitated if these rituals and routines are disrupted. Everyone in my own family thought I was a control freak, and that a number of things I did looked obsessive to them. I just liked to do the same thing day after day. It felt reassuring somehow to have routines.
- Limited Range of Interests – Those with Asperger’s sometimes have a genuine interest in very few things and may appear obsessively invested in pursuing these interests. Sometimes they commit to memory a huge amount of information and knowledge about that select interest, which can seem bizarre to others. Though these obsessions vary hugely, examples include preoccupations with weather reports or sports scores. When I was in 4th grade I kept lists of warships from World War II. The lists were sorted (by hand) into secondary lists of ships by country, and also by classification (Battleship, Aircraft Carrier, Cruiser, Destroyer, Destroyer Escort, all the way down to PT boats operated by the US Navy. (Does PT-109 ring a bell?) and Schnellboot for the Germans. “My Navy” was vast, I didn’t forget oilers and other support ships. The only “rule” for the list was that the ship had to be documented, it had to be from a book about either Navies or World War II.
- Erratic Behavior – People with Asperger’s syndrome sometimes behave erratically. They may speak or perform actions repetitively and be unpredictable. People who have lower-functioning levels of the condition can be prone to mental breakdowns and self-injurious actions. People observing these behaviors in children sometimes ignore them under the assumption that the child is merely acting out. I am fortunate, I am high-functioning. I can overcome some symptoms of autism through learned and practiced behaviors. I know some folks considered me to be erratic, and probably still do. Back in my school days, I survived a lot of teasing and verbal abuse, and I ended up in a lot of fights. One day the teasing would be too much, or it would get physical, and I’d have an altercation. That pattern repeated itself again and again. I haven’t had any breakdowns, but I have had three divorces (aren’t they the same thing?)
- Self-Absorption – People with Asperger’s may come across as self-absorbed. They often seem uninterested in the conversations and thoughts of other people and have problems showing empathy for others. They can appear concerned only about the few things that fascinate them and may “zone out” when someone else is speaking and ignore attempts to include them. This is me 100%. I live in my own world, always have. I’m pretty sure I always will. I’ll never forget one time my boss went around a room asking every their favorite political figure and why. She thought I was going to say “Senator Paul Wellstone” because I admired the man. I had recently had a good hour long discussion with Paul as I chauffeured him around St. Louis for our organization. He invited me to stay with him if I ever was in Washington D.C. Instead, defying all expectations, I blurted out – “Myself – because I’m the only one involved in politics who will never lie to anyone in this room.”
- Unusual Communication Styles – People with Asperger’s syndrome sometimes speak in a flat, monotonous voice without intonation. Some make very literal use of language and can struggle to distinguish humorous statements, sarcastic remarks, and similar nuances of speech and tone. I have worked hard to overcome this trait. In 5th or 6th grade we were talking about Formal and Informal styles of speaking, I was singled out as the only person in the class that used a formal style of speech. This was true until I started working in politics. To overcome this issue I studied charismatic African-American preachers and studied/learned better intonation on my own. On the other side of the coin, people never know when I’m joking and when I’m not, saying my style is so deadpan that they never know.
- Extraordinary Cognitive or Creative Ability – Most people with Asperger’s have normal or above normal intelligence, and a significant percentage exhibit extraordinary abilities. These individuals excel at creative pursuits such as painting or music or have extremely sharp memories or instinctually grasp difficult concepts. Some demonstrate natural talent at games requiring mental acuity, such as puzzles or crosswords. I spoke some about this in the previous episode of
How I Met Your MotherMy Worms Ran Away. Throughout my childhood I was told I was a genius and great things were expected of me, essentially because I was a good test taker. In highschool I was in the National Honor Society and the National French Honor Society, it all came so naturally.
So there you have it. Essentially it’s a list of 10 Reasons Why Monster Is Autistic. I wish life were that simple, making up lists of 10 reason for this or that. Unfortunately life is far more complex than any list like that might be able to convey. If like were that simple, I could make a list of 10 Reasons Why My Worms Ran Away.
